Friday, September 19, 2008

And if I start to lose control, put on a hard face, just turn, walk out the door.




Horst Diekgerdes is one of my favorite fashion photographers, right there with Indlekofer+Knoepfiel, Yelena Yemchuck and many, many others. Here his camera loves Estonian model Karmen Pedaru. A fun fact: we are from neighbour villages! This shot is part of an editorial named Blame it on Paris that can be seen in October Vogue China. The fashion editor is Anastasia Barbieri, very cool.

This week has been really busy, and right now all of my friends are doing their huge English final exam while I'm sitting in front of school computer, just annoyed by the noise around me. I should be taking that exam too, it would be one step closer getting out of here. Except that I'm too insecure to apply anywhere when I'm supposed to and know I have to stay here little longer. And I accept the fact that right now, I may not be as techinally talented as everyone else applying. Have I even tried to fix that, draw, do atleast something creative daily? Antwerp, Vienna, St.Martins, it's all in the distance because I'm scared to start anything. I don't even know what to start, to what save my money for. All these places I've studied since I was 13...It's like, hey, nice, I'm eighteen soon. Two weeks before that, Cut Copy playing in a venue that...guess the rest. I just don't want the worst to happen. Never to believe in myself because the world out there is cruel. If I'm living in a bubble, it's self-created. A bubble, where I always thought I couldn't do something, be as good, be someone cool. Never pursued anything. Then I later realized that it might not be as hard as I thought and it depresses me to this day, making me unable to react. I'm not even talking about anything particular. It's just that when all the adults told me I could do anything I knew it would never be that easy and gave up beforehand. But right now I'll just sit here, pick up a camera, reserve shoes, see a movie, meet people, shoot something, see another movie, get a friend focus a lens on me. Still, why pamper life's complexities...

scanned by aja @ model2007.cn

5 comments:

Allure said...

I got the same feeling when I was ending highschool. I was completely lost while everybody seemed to know what to do.
I felt tired even before the race began.

But don't worry, there's hope. Time will help you decide.

Bambi said...

I used to worry myself crazy about what I would like to be and then one day I realized it is totally okay not to have everything planned yet.

The best things in life often just happen. You'll wake up one day and feel the need to try something. If it happens a year earlier or three years later than for most of your friends then, who cares.

I'm not worried about you, I'm sure you'll figure it all out, just give yourself some time :)

mnjääh... said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TaWwoXCj4c

susie_bubble said...

I used to be like that too....but I find things just fall into place when you least expect it.... so go forth....

indie said...

allure, there is time, there is time, I know but still >:

bambi, but the time is running out :D ah oh I know.

mnjääh...<3

susie_bubble, I'm just so glad to hear to hear that there are actually people who have/had the same feelings, sometimes it seems that everyone knows everything and that they have written paths and stuff..